i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
