have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
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I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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