how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
