my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
