We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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