dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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