Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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