By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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