i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
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