kristin has been a bad kristin
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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