Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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