When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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