did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
