I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He passed out mid-signature
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
