so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
