The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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