i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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