Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
