I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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