broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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