I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
NoShamevember. You game?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
