All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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