just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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