I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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