So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
