i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
