My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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