how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
