Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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