gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
