He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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