Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
