too bad you live with your parents still
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
