he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
