Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I did not marry a roomba.
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