Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
