So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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