Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
