so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
