Im at strip club and am horny
so that wasnt chicken after all
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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