I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
