Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Randomize
