I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
