It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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