yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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