If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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