My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
The air taste purple.
Randomize
