Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
