I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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