Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
