i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
