Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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