Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
