I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
