After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
