hotel room ftw
So drunk its hurt
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
