He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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