Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
