it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
