i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
