Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
