just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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