There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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