My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
